My heart has never been broken like this

Posted in Monthly, Best-Loved at 7:42 am by Pasha

I said goodbye to Lolli Pop for what felt like would be an eternity.

I crouched down and for one last time felt the baby softness of her ears. She looked at me with teary doe eyes and softly licked my nose. I gently pushed her head down into her Sherpa bag and whispered “I will love you forever.”

I finally stood up when Melissa was ready to go through security at Jackson Hartsfield and board an Air Tran flight to LaGuardia. I promised her a debt of gratitude for delivering my precious cargo to her new home.

Matthew wrapped his arm over my shoulder and drew me in to his side. We said nothing, just walked out of the airport with sniffles between the two of us.

I looked up at him and saw the red rim of his eyes and burst into tears, I could feel his heart aching too. He had only known Lolli for a couple years and she had already burrowed into his soul.

After six years together, Lolli was not only my heart, but my best friend and forever companion.

I remembered how we came to be together.

My sister Sunshine had a small mutt she had rescued on a snowy afternoon named Loddy. My mother had fallen in love with the small breed and got a free male Chihuahua out of the newspaper named Laddy.

After a short courtship, a likely event took place. the un-fixed bitch had five puppies.

Looking into that box, I had to have one. I chose the white one with tan spots. She was so small she fit in my pocket.

Sunshine wanted me to pay $100 dollars for my new sweetie. However, as a young college student, the price tag for Lolli Pop seemed unattainable.

In a twist of fate Sunshine became pregnant, not unlike Loddy had. Simultaneously she and her then boyfriend Mark were starting a female oil wrestling business called “Fowl Play.”

She pulled me into the bathroom the morning of their first gig on a crowded Sunset Bay Beach.

“I can’t wrestle Pasha, I am pregnant. You have to do it for me,” she begged. After a moment of shock about her new baby and then several moments of thinking about the horror of wrestling other women in a bikini on the beach, I had an idea.

I would wrestle once, that day, for the cost of my Lolli Pop. Sunshine agreed and I have never regretted wrestling in oil and gritty sand for a doggy lifetime with the one I love.

Lolli couldn’t come to London and travel Europe with us. The blood work takes six months and we had only decided to go three months ago.

It would be the first time Lolli hadn’t traveled with me and been there through my thick and my thin. I have moved almost every year since high school. This would be the first time it was without her.

She went to stay with Stacey for one year, until we return to the states. Stacey is a wonderful friend who lives back in New York, in a place in Queens with a yard and her boyfriend James. Lolli has stayed with Stacey before and I know she will be well taken care of.

But that still doesn’t make the pain go away.

We slept without Lolli at our feet last night. I woke up this morning without her at my side; I looked where she normally would be, lying on her side, feet crossed in front of her.

I closed my eyes and could almost feel her morning softness when I pulled the blanket up to my broken heart.


I will pack after I eat, I will eat after I clean, I will clean after I shop …

Posted in Monthly at 4:11 pm by Pasha


The kudos, the inquiries, and the inevitable haters

Posted in Monthly at 4:21 pm by Pasha


What is Pasha’s Blog and pashacarroll.com?

Posted in Monthly at 9:54 am by Pasha