08.26.15

Diva Love

Posted in Monthly at 6:48 am by Pasha

Diva Love
By Pasha Holiday

If you think that the reproductive cycle is better left to the ladies and you aren’t one, no need to read further. If you prefer to never look at or touch your vagina, much less creep around while you are having your period, read something else. If you have ever looked at a breastfeeding picture and thought, gross, you aren’t the kind of person that can handle this post … please move along.

For the dozen of you left, I would like to confess my love for the Diva Cup.

A few years back, my righteously crunchy eldest sister, visited me in Chicago and was singing the praises of her newly minted Diva Cup. She was going to be outside waiting to catch a glimpse of/autograph from Bono (to say her best friend is a U2/Bono fanatic is to put it lightly) from morning until night. While dumping a little uterine lining would be no big deal, leaving tampons around the stadium and in porta johns was simply skeevy. I got that part, but I didn’t see why using tampons regularly was such a big deal. I was just a few month postpartum and figured I would go back to Tampax, just like Teen Magazine and Glamour had taught me to do.

Fast forward a year when Aunt Flo gushed back into my life like an unwanted pest. By this time I had fallen into the crunchy mama hole, like, way fallen. There was no way I was putting toxic, bleached chemicals in my coochie. No way, no how.

So there I was, at the crossroads. To damage the body and tampon, to be uncomfortable and insecure and pad it, or get my bloated self to the Whole Foods and find out what this cup was all about. I had a pad in place and worked it for day or so, but then I remembered why most women don’t do pads. All the clot passing, all the diaper feelings, all the insecurities. It was just too much. Anything would be better than that. I get why most women simply head to Walgreens and get some Tampax.

I waddled (remember, I was wearing an Always diaper, I mean pad, and one slip would mean sloppy panties) to the natural grocery store and bought the $25 silicone cup. The Diva is about the size a juice cup that is tapered like a funnel and has an ⅛ inch stem to insert and pull it out. The initial cost puts some paycheck to paycheck ladies in a bind, but logically, it is as economical as it gets. You use this baby forevermore, or at least until you wear a hole in it (does that happen? I’ll update it it ever does!)

I have read all the hilarious Diva Cup haters’ reviews. The reviews are awesome … but I suspect these ladies are among the above mentioned people. It you aren’t ready to get some baby-cushioning blood on your hands, this isn’t for you. One reviewer talks about how there are different sized cups the the over 35-year-olds/mothers and the still doing keg stands/pristine vagina set of ladies. There sure is ladies, cause your bits will never be the same as they were at 21 or before you squeezed a baby out! Why do you think there are such plastic surgeries as Vagina Lifts?!

The Diva Cup does, however, take some getting used to. Wear a panty liner, though, and you will avoid ruining your period panties further. The instructions say to fold it in half and then insert it and it will open inside to create a suction against your cervix. It says to rotate it to make it do that. Like there was going to be some click like when you lock a food processor in place. I found that to be problematic. Half the time it wouldn’t open, so I would have to take it out, put it back it, getting blood all over, with toddler fingers scratching under the door. I had to get the hang of the thing, and fast!

What works for me (tried and true, Diva Cup user here) it is to just insert it in the vagina and let it open there. Push it into place (placement is whatever, but up, up, up has been good for me) and kegal it into position. Yes, ladies, kegal it. I have found the most effective placement with the least calamities to be wiggling it into place using the same muscles that prevent sex post-baby from being like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. Now y’all take a few seconds to exercise your most important muscle.

One fallacy that I have found from Diva lovers; most say they do not have to dump it out for up to 12 hours! Wow … you must be light flowing! On my heaviest days, I am emptying once every three to four hours or so. On the light days, I nearly forget it is there!

So besides saving money and hopping on the cool train (with a name like Diva, how isn’t it cool) here are a couple of other things you might adore about the Diva. (Side note, there are other silicone and plastic cups out there, but this is the one I know and use.)

You don’t have to remeber supplies or carry them around. It is like a crock pot, set it and forget it.

The healthier-ness is indisputable. Remember that model that is suing Kotex because she lost a leg to Toxic Shock Syndrome? That stuff is for real! Bleached out tampons are seriously dangerous, they cause TSS and forget all the ailments that are not as well documented. The chemicals sit into your body and leach into all your reproductive organs for seven days, 12 times a year. No doubt that infertility, heavier periods and PMS are all related the the seemingly innocent tubes of GMO cotton. Super scary stuff!

And let’s not forget about our sweet, sweet earth. Quit putting your bloody tampons and pads in our sewer systems, clogging them up and costing millions in damage. And then your old rag might even end up in a river or ocean. Nothing sounds nastier that that!

Next month, when your period is imminent, take a risk and try something new. With some patience and a little extra alone time in the bathroom (score!) this month, you will find yourself a Diva Lover, too!

08.16.15

Six Years of Certainty

Posted in Monthly at 9:16 am by Pasha