04.14.19

To Nobody at All

Posted in Monthly, Poetry at 7:25 am by Pasha

I wanted to Shake it Off but my soul wouldn’t let me.
Words kept playing over and over again in my brain.
Like a broken record.
Like a nagging child longing to be heard.
They will never hear me.
Never hear us.

So instead I will write the words,
The advice
To nobody at all.
I started this shit with yall.
I lit fire to the kindling.
I stoked it with tightly wound bits of newspaper and old paper bags.
You smothered it with clumpy dirt.
It wasn’t even the sandy, soft kind.
It was hard, and uneven,
and flawed in more ways than I could count.

Now I want to burn it all down.
I want to pour gasoline on that shit and watch it burn
To the ground.
My mind is battling the pull to emotionalize this struggle.
I want my truth revealed.
I want the facts in print.
So today, I decide to tell my truth.
To nobody at all.

Even if it only matters to me.
I have to hold my head high.
Smile, tanned and and healthy
My muscles define this body
Cause I take care of mine
And you still struggle on that hamster wheel
Are you even sure what it is you want
What you are fighting for?

What is your truth?
Do you define this by getting what you wanted
Do you band together and decide
Slowly you steal a best part of this relationship
I try to block it out–
Only let a tense word, a vent that we used to share,
Fall silent between us.

Time stretches behind me
A winding road ahead.
The light is dimming
Growing farther in my rear view
An infinite explanation
Memories bitter and sour and
Even a little sweet

Washed down with a fermented liquor
An overused glass
The letters printed long past faded
As if it was just hanging on my the few letters
Still recognizable

Changed me to the core
The wildfire lies
Made me question me
Who I am as a friend, a daughter,
A sister, a mother
A wife

Strengthened all of these bonds
God showed me
That we show up
That we are the friendships
treasured for decades
And only a few years
Not destructive
Not hostile
Loving, nurturing, a stronghold for each other

Our stormy days passed
And we are still together

I won’t lose me or question who i am
Even though this nobody still nags at me
I am resilient
A warrior in a field of defense bots

Softened around the edges
Boot straps aligned
Tightened
Thankful

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